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Monday, 4 October 2010

......and the winner of "2010 Cowtard of the Year" is.......Rusty (Sparky) Adam Zapple From Above Gee Gong Restaurant In Chinatown.(Back Door)

Always the life of the party, Rusty (Sparky) Adam Zapple with his famous "Look everyone! I'm a frying pan!" funny happy fun swell time skit pose, shortly after nook and cranny shower wash  time at the YMCA. Rusty and his palaroonies are gonna have a Lemon Party this month he won't soon forget for sure.

It was a close race this year, with the prestigious "Golden Beef Jerky" trophy going to the winner. This years voter tally pitted CowTowns famous local joke tellers, Barney, (He has no last name) from the local drug and rehab center, and Slobo the Serbian comic sensation, against already 4 time winner of CowTowns coveted Cowtard bragging rights jewel. Barney is a local up and comer though, already being chosen as the puzzle poster boy for the local drop in center. On top of his humorous anecdotes, he also knows how to drink 5 different kinds of mouthwash and is probably the best shoplifter west of Flin Flon.. (Barney has very, very fresh breathe)  Slobo on the other hand knows how to wiggle his ears.  Thats on top of being able to flatulate to the tune of  "It's Raining Men".  Quite a feat to behold.  But once again, there was no stopping the king of humour.(or Sparky as the girls call him).  Sparky won for the 5th time taking 53.16% of the votes.  Barney came in a respectable 2nd with 45.84% and Slobo gaining a foothold for future competions with 1%. With another one to add to the collection, they've already taken up all the free space on the television set since moving the Elvis statue, and stuffed Fox into his bedroom.  Seems like it's time for Rusty to buy a new trophy shelf or throw away the empty beer cans on the furnace. All the attention has Rusty even considering starting a blog.  Rusty explained that his favorite blog these days is John and Steve are Having a Baby.  Rusty would like to have a similar one, but with the added bonus of macaroni men photos to share with the world. "I'm really rootin for them to get a boy." Rusty added.

 Rusty's pals down at the local benzinery were all agush at the great news and privilege of knowing a celebrity.

Rusty is famous for gags involving eggs, mashed potatoes, chop sticks and cowboy hats, as well as wearing pleated (Yes pleated, he doesn't tell anyone where he buys them) over-sized sweat pants, never having gotten laid and eating the most baloney and cheeze-whizz and tomato sandwiches in one sitting.  Asked how he can be so happy go lucky all the time, especially considering his ex-wife left him for the guy who cleans toilets at the local  pub, "The Stinky Hippopotamus", after only 2 days of marriage, he replied.  (The Stinky Hippopotamus is where Rusty likes to go once a month on 2 for 1 fish platter and frozen daquari night and greet the customers with his trademark skit btw) "Well, she wanted me to do some weird, icky, nasty, horrible things, perverted even, things that involved lubrications of some sort, whipped cream, licking, marmelades (She said she didn't want me to lick the whipped cream or marmalade, so I'm still scratching my head about that one) and  Hallowe'en masks of Austin Powers and that guy from the band Slipknot with the longish type nose, she always kept reminding me... Only get the one with the longish type nose! Make sure you don't forget it!".   "By golly, I wasn't going to throw away perfectly good whipped cream and marmelade down the drain for nothing. I draw the line at foolish things like that, by gosh." Rusty's hearty laugh filled the Starbucks, echoing all the way to the nearby street, with comments of "Shut up! You  fucking loudmouth jerk!" quickly following from some nearby tourists.    Rusty never even has to buy a drink when at his home away from home. When he shows up in his Calgary Stampeders or Flames jersey, dinner is on the house. Needless to say, Cowtown takes care of it's own.

 The Austin Powers mask that Rusty's ex-wife Florence wanted to wear.

Asked about how he feels about being ridiculed sometimes by out of towners, as to still being a virgin and living in his parents basement for the past 17-1/2 years, Rusty gave some insight.  "Well, I like to do other things too ya know, I like to  watch curling, cowboy races, and Steven and Chris in the mornings,(The episode about proper toilet elevation is his favorite chuckled Rusty, "It really does make a big difference when you reach for the coffee can of magazines and comics, with all those neat articles," adding also that Steven is his favorite of the flamboyant dynamic duo.), my video games, my "Where's Waldo" book collection, playing with Fleabag my pet tarantula, listening to Rita McNeil and of course my favorite pastime, to work on my macaroni-men of biblical charcters.  I'm having a hard time right now trying to get Moses' and Elija's beards just right, I think I might switch to Rotini pasta for that part. Jesus was easy because I made him doing jumping-jacks. lol."  Rusty lately has also taken a liking to hanging around school playgrounds and complimenting strange men on their cologne and slacks he meets on a daily basis.  "You have to try new things, experiment with stuff, Not just always keep it on Steven and Chris". He says that one of these days he's going to go down to that gosh-darn dollar store and get some of that nice smelling stuff, and maybe even get one of those fancy big whiskered cat pen/pencil holders or a jar with Chinese writing on it, I saw one like that on Steven and Chris once." "Be a little sophisticated-like, I think the gals will really go for it" whispered Rusty with a devilish wink. Rusty is already quite the ladies man though.  All the women flock to him when he tells his stories about how he once met the mayor and an alderman and their young lady friend at the corner when they were getting a cab in front of a downtown motel. "They looked kind of nervous and in a hurry, asking the operator what the hell is taking so long for the cab already?

Anyway, before telling the cab driver to step on it, he was nice enough to autograph my bus transfer for me and threw a whole 10 dollar bill at me, yelling "You never saw me!". .What a swell guy.  I have it in my scrapbook these days, along with other photos of baseball players and my receipts from The Nintendo Store.  He was in such a hurry though, I didn't even get a chance to tell him that his shirt was sticking out of his zipper, oh well,  but Boy! he really knows how to treat the ladies"  Rusty may even become more popular with the ladies, (He gets pecks on the cheeks practically everywhere he goes these days) people from the local professional football team are considering having Rusty perform at half time for a number of games, with matching frying pan mascot costume and handing out free hard-boiled eggs.  The local coffee shops are making plans for 'Rusty and Egg n' Cheese Day'. They couldn't have picked a better qualified person for the job.  All this talk of Rusty has also gained the attention of national television companies, with 2 of them interested in doing a documentary on the life and times of Rusty. Dom DeLuise look-a-like Chef Paul Prudhomme has been rumored to be interested in the part.

 Rusty's pride and joy, 'Cowboy Penne St. Paul'. This masterpiece of pasta art was inspired by real life Macaroni men.

A side project Rusty has been working on between his happy swell fun time skits and biblical macaroni men: "Meatball Abraham."

Rusty considers it an honour to be crowned 5 time CowTard of the Year.  He's even been offered opportunities to entertain the fans at local sporting events and at the central downtown library on Saturdays and Sundys to tell his one-liners, and especially his famous "Hey! Look at me! I'm a frying pan!" skit.  Wal-Mart has been also desperately trying to get him to be a full-time greeter and hand out free 50% off coupons. He said he always feels warm in his heart when he gets home from hanging around the coffee shops and food courts, knowing that God gave him the gift of  being a modern day funny Zachariah and making a big difference in the world. "It's important to laugh every time you can" said Rusty scratching his head,  "That's the main thing, that's why we're all here, everything else is just wasting your time. Why worry if you don't have to, or why think about what's going on in the world when we still have to buy bread that's not sliced at the store, or because you can't even get a decent cheeseburger anymore. There's something wrong with you if you're not laughing, my Auntie always told me, and my Auntie oughta know, she's been married 9 times already.  That says alot. I think there should be people doing frying pan skits all over the world. " Rusty believes his gift will enable him to fullfill his lifelong dream, of becoming a lottery kiosk salesperson when he grows up, ("I really like to yell out Bingo!, and people sometimes forget to take their penny after scratching tickets,  he adds) or a security guard. "I really look good in grey and blue, all those keys jingling, and I like the way the walkie-talkies fit on the belt and those neat noises they make, it will really look neat when I wear my Michael Jackson jacket."  Rusty has even been offered a position to be a bank teller, (Rusty says he's very good at shuffling cards, which will come in handy. He likes the name tags too. "Very fancy" he says with a wink.) with promises of management within  year. Whoever said that eggs on your face doesn't pay, obviously has never met our dear irreplaceable Rusty.  On Sunday mornings, Rusty likes to set up shop in front of City Hall, beside the downtown library. There he sells his now famous biblical macaroni-men, with proceeds going of course to purchase more macaroni and (yup, you guessed it, deep fried cheeseballs) "Macoroni's not cheap ya know, with whats left over, I like to treat myself." adds Rusty, shaking his head.

Around 3 years ago, during the annual 'Stampede Week', Rusty raked in a cool 12 bucks  and 38 cents.  To spice it up this year, he's planning on making lots more Jesus', using Christmas time colored pasta. "I'm always looking to experiment with new ideas, step it up a notch" proclaims an excited Rusty, wiping his runny nose with his hand.. He said if he really strikes it big this holiday season, he's finally going to go out and get one of those new cellphone doo-hickeys.  "They have phones now that can even have some of those Nintendo games, and you can take pictures and everything, I'll be able to play games and call up Larry when I'm selling macaroni-men, tell him to tape all those 'Uncle Bobby','The Trouble With Tracy', 'House of Frightenstein', 'Littlest Hobo' and King of Kensington reruns!" (Boy, that king always had the best neatest jackets) If I do really good, maybe a pair of those really big dark sunglasses I see everywhere, sort of the movie star look.  I really think this frying pan skit look may become popular.  Who knows? Maybe next year you'll see people in mall food courts and coffee shops all over the world with eggs on their faces." Rusty exclaims. "My friend Eric down at the McDonalds told me I should definitely go for it, and he oughtta know, he's a genius practically", Rusty added between bites of his donut.  "Eric is probably for sure gonna be a 'Cowtard of the Year' when he gets older, gets some weight on, learns to cook and stuff., like my Serbian pal, Jovo the Cowtown accountant, who has his own "Hey Everyone!  Look at me! I'm a mannequin" happy swell fun time skit. Y'know, most people would never guess he has a skit because he's usually wearing Cowtowns 8th most popular tourist attraction, the corduroy blazer."

Eric's resume when he applied for a manager's position at a Blockbuster video rental store, and got the job. (Click to enlarge)

 Rusty gets lots of macaroni men advice as well as the idea for his frying pan happy swell fun time skit from former roommate, 1998 Cowtard of the Year winner, Cowboy and professional ball scratcher, Dick Suker.

"Y'know, I've seen some of those wierdo freako European wierdo stuff goings on.  I wouldn't go to one of those freakofests for all the timbits in the world, I wouldn't". Sparky vehemently declared. "I think Canadians should just stay put and not go to  those backward countries with funny sounding names, wierdo ethnic foods  and no Tim Hortons, It's because of those weirdo Euro types that I don't even go to the supermarket anymore."

Perks and priveleges come with the silverware also.  Rusty tells us of the time he almost lost his virginity in 2003 at a Tim Hortons donut shop.  He said he was in line to get his usual fritter, chocolate eclaire and triple-triple when a woman behind him asked if he would like to "go for a quicky".  Unfortunately, he asked her if they come with sprinkles or powdered sugar on top.  It wasn't until after she left in disgust, that the security guard informed him of his faux pas.  "But still, the main thing is the thought, she actually wanted me." said a smiling Rusty, wiping his forehead with his napkin.  Rusty also likes to go once a month to one of the downtown pubs, where he prefers to watch curling with his sometimes macaroni-man helper Troy,  on one of 15 televisions simultaneously.  "There's nothing like being surrounded by fellow CowTards, sipping on a tall refreshing tomato juice or one of those drinks with really big straws with lots of ice and pieces of fruit on the glasses.  I like to have a few deep fried cheeseballs to decide which macaroni-man to make next, and the sound of brooms sweeping the ice like you were actually there in person, whooosh!-whooosh! Harder! Haaaarder! I can feel the goosebumps now even. It's awesome!"

 Downtown's biggest, trendiest and most popular bustling outdoor cafe/pub for Cowtown  cowboys has even expressed interest in holding one of Rusty's live shows  with proceeds to expand the patio and add a free cologne dispenser. It is hoped this will be accomplished in time for when the patio will be hosting the 2012 "Mr Cowtown"competion.

All the business cowboys, and especially cowgirls, on the other side of the street were all smiles when news of a possible Rusty statue was in the works.

Rusty points out that he's thinking about adding a thing or two to some of his skits.  He stated that he intends to add home-fry ears and bacon slices as eyebrows in the future, but can't decide between raw or fried bacon. "I think the fried bacon will give a more authentic full overall effect, give the people some reality, but the raw bacon will stick to my face alot easier".  "It's trying times like these that I pray for guidance" added Rusty, with the glimmer of a tear in his eye. Rusty has even been having thoughts of going to the extreme and performing a "Look everyone! I'm a grilled cheese sandwich!" funny moment swell time skit. The cost of cheese slices though is the only thing stopping him for the moment,  and he still hasn't decided whether to use wonderbread or that fancy European bread. "Who buys bread that aint already cut anymore? This is the 20th century already for goshdarn sake!  "I even went to the store this one time and they had this wierdo ethnic morterdeler and gulishsomething, somekind of icky cabbage rolled thingies and one store even sold some kind of Eurotrash cookies that didn't  even have chocolate chips in it, This is Canada for cripes sake! I don't eat food that I can't pronounce, I think it's some kind of Euro-scum conspiracy or something, whatever happened to good ol' Kraft dinner and fried baloney for Sunday dinners?!"  Rusty added with bewilderment.

Rusty even invented an all-Canadian recipe that would even make the chefs of Europe green with envy, low in cost and saves time in the kitchen too.  Rusty explains...."Well, you don't need all those fancy shmancy ingredients, or throw away money on ketchup, mustard and all, just the next time you go to a burger place to use the washroom, just borrow a few of those ketchup, relish and mustard packets, and when you get home, just open em up all into one bowl, it saves money and time in the kitchen".  (Rusty never ceases to amaze, you go Rusty!) Even though just declared this years winner, Rusty is already looking forward to winning again next year.  Asked why is that?, Rusty explained, "If I win next year, I plan to take my CowTown funny skit show on the road to share it with the rest of the world, to spread the fun, from CowTown to Red Deer, Medicine Hat, Bear Butt, Ghost Pine, Hairy Beaver and Moose Jaw even. Maybe even to other far away  foreign exotic places with funny sounding street names, like Montreal or Quebec City.  There's lots of coffee shops there too ya know, and eggs too!" Rusty quickly put his eggs back on his face as some new customers came in and performed his now famous trademark lines of "Hey everyone! Look at me! I'm a frying pan!" Unfortunately, a few of them changed their minds and went to purchase their coffee somewhere else.

A scene from a recent emergency mayors meeting. The biggest event of the year at the Cowtown Croatian Center, with citizens demanding that Rusty's statue be erected in time for next Easter.

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper, when notified of Rusty's amazing accomplishment, immediately rushed to CowTown,  thrilled to join in celebrating Rusty's win number 5.  The P.M. is considering nominating Rusty for the Order of Canada, as well as putting a bill through Parliament to declare May 7th as "Rusty Day".

The folks and folkettes down at  the Huntington Honker have expressed interest in Rusty performing at their annual Stampede Breakfast. Slated to perform between the longest flatulence competition and the pin the tail on the beef jerky semi-finals. Rumours of the new "Sparky BLT" with bacon slices that were actually used during one of Sparky's performances skits have caused quite a stir, with rumors of a new 'Sparky Omelette' in the works with genuine pieces of his famed 'Meatball Abraham' in the recipe.

With Rusty's new found popularity, Rusty has been rumored to be the face of the next "Propane Chef" billboard guy.

Congratulations were being sent from various proud and jubilant acquaintances. Sparky's former Sunday School teacher from Cowtown, Anita Dick, who along with her friend Jenny, sent accolades and well wishes from her Bible College and manicurist studies in Mexico.

Does Rusty have any hints or advice for someone in the future hoping to be winner of the coveted "Golden Beef Jerky"  trophy?  Rusty recommends taking an interest in country-raggae. He's also a big fan of the new gospel-rap sensation.  "It's what I'm usually listening to on my Sony Walkman, 'Jesus was my homeboy' is my favorite, I  really like 'Jezebel iz in da joyn't' too'. Shawrnequa and Mr and Mrs Hoar, at my Baptist-Mormon Gerbil Church first let me know about that awesome song, she taught me how to dance it after cookies and juice, the Pastor of the church told me I was special."  Rusty also has some advice in the grocery shopping department, which he says he is practically a professional at these days.  "When buying bottled water, always get the one at the back of the shelf, they're always fresher, when buying heads of lettuce, follow the eanie-meanie-miny-mo formula, then pick the one 3 places to the left, and 2 up, it works everytime." Rusty proudly declares. " When making sandwiches, always put the peanut butter first, it took me almost 12 years to finally figure that one out when I accidently put the peanut butter first.  It saves me lots of time before starting on my macaroni-men or before Steven and Chris come on, and I don't leave peanut butter and jelly marks on my remote control and Nintendo anymore either, I should have listened to my friend Bill way back, he was right all along."

When doing laundry, just use dishwashing liquid, it's way cheaper and makes way more suds." We asked Rusty if he has any heroes or people he looks up to. Rusty paused for a moment then lit up and exclaimed.  "Yes! Gilligan! Gilligan from Gilligans Island for sure!" referring to the 60's popular comedy series. "Gilligan liked macaroni too, just like me! He also was smarter than most people think, "When Ginger and Mary Anne asked Gilligan to move into their hut, Giligan was smart enough to pick his own hammock in the Skipper's hut than have to sleep on the floor in the girls hut.  Boy, he would have looked stupid then!" Rusty chuckled. "Besides, he would have had to put up with the girls coming in and out of the showers constantly, always asking to wash their backs, massages and stuff.  "Gosh, what a fuss!, I would have done the same"  Rusty contemplates for a moment, then adds with a sad look.."Ya know, I wish I had a Skipper around to call me 'Little Buddy' sometimes."  I really wish I could be like the cool people I see driving around dowtnown, popular and learn all those neato dance steps and such.  Really impress the ladies" , Pee-Wee Herman and religious television personalities Rod Parsely, Oral Roberts, are also high on his list.  "Gosh!, Nobody knows how to dress it up better than them two, and Mr Hagee sure does have nice hair, and he knows the good book front and back from memory. Who even needs the book when you have Mr Hagee around. The big guy upstairs and him are like this... (Rusty makes his fingers wrap around each other). I'd like to do my act for him someday, I hear he has a  great sense of humour too." Rusty added shaking his head in awe. "Sometinmes when I'm sleeping at home on the couch, spooning with Fleabag, I think sometimes that Jesus,...I mean God....I mean Jesus, wants me to become a priest or pastor, Why not? the kids at the playgrounds really like my skits and like trying to pull the bacon off of my eybrows, lol." "Hillbilly Jim is a great hero of mine too, I started wearing those popular cover-alls and doing the thumbs up because of him way back when". Rusty proudly shows me his thumbs up.

Will reruns of "Gilligan's Island" be the catalyst for future recipients of "Cowtard of the Year"? Will Gilligan finally figure out that the spider tickling his nutsack at night wasn't really a spider?

When asked if there was a possible new Mrs. Sparky on the horizon? Rusty laughed again. "Gosh no, I'm too busy with my macaroni-men, I still have lots of them to do, and then I want to start on macaroni-men of famous baseball players, Canadian Prime Ministers and the cast of the television series "Cheers." After a moments thought, Rusty added, "You know, some people like to masterbate, but that's icky, messy and wrong, maybe a sin even,  instead I like to masturdate. George down at the mall food court told me about that one, I like to masturdate to anything with Will Smith, George Cloony, Vin Diesel or Jack Black these days,....especially Georgey  Cloony." Rusty added with a chuckle and grin. "But that doesn't mean I'm a buysexual, no didly-no". We asked Rusty what was his last job? "Oh, I used to be a business office type person...really I was.  But by a miracle of Jesus...I mean God...I mean Jesus....ya, that's it.Jesus.  I moved onto better and brighter things. I used to make photocopies most of the day, but the lord made it so that I couldn't fit into a tie anymore.  It was a miracle!" Rusty explained.

Our interview is ending because the coffee shop is closing soon, and as Sparky gets up, pulls his grey sweat pants up to his bellybutton, brushes the crumbs from his t-shirt and adjusts the velcro on his sneakers, Sparky gives me this last piece of parting advice.."Just because I'm famous now, it doesn't mean I'll ignore all the people who voted for me. People are like pets, you have to let them know that it's ok to come up and dry hump you or rub their bums on your legs. They have really warm bums ya know", wise words Sparky, if only more people would live by them. We asked Sparky if he ever considered leaving Cowtown, beef jerky, chuckwagon races and the all the A&W's for greener pastures, perhaps a tour to another country with his new found popularity, to spread his mirth, smarts and humour, a country with beaches, to share his skit with during summer festivals.  Rusty hesitated for a moment with a confused look on his face, rubbed his hands on his tshirt and then released a dandy of a Cowtown nauseating flatulence that would make all the construction workers envious and proud.  "No siree-bob! Never in a million years I would.  Why would I leave my macaroni men, Tim Hortons coffee shops and shiny coloured hard hat pals for some place that has anorexic women walking around in bitsy swimsuits and wierdo sounding names?  That's a sin and wrong,  "I don't go for that European nonsense.  No Wal-marts? Sitting outside drinking coffee and sitting in parks?  That's just plain wrong. I would miss not being able to count all the pick-up trucks and dump trucks on my way to the coffee shop in the afternoon and seeing if my guess was right. I would also miss Ted and Margaret and the gang from the D.I. and all their funny jokes" Rusty suddenly jumped out of his seat excitedly, "And my friend Bart even showed me how to take a bath in the coffee shop washrooms, didn't have to buy soap or nothin.  He's a genius or somethin for sure!"

 Rusty's pal Bart, on his way to the Tim Hortons coffee shop for his weekly  nook and cranny wash and timbits.  Here Bart is seen immediately after his morning beers and stroll through the school playground during recess.

The great news continues however, with City Hall having held an emergency session last week in response to thousands of calls and emails, and forwarded motions for a statue of CowTowns very own Rusty to be erected in the downtown core. It was felt that tourists need to know there's more to CowTown than just bland food, construction, and cowboys. If you would like to meet Rusty in person, and catch his skits live, just spend some time in downtown CowTown, and it probably wont be long before you bump into him.  Just look for the guy with bacon and eggs on his face and the sound of hearty laughter eminating from a nearby coffee shop or mall food court. But you'll have to go during the daytime. Rusty never frequents downtown come nightfall, (He likes to work on his "Dungeon Tan" as well.) Steven and Chris reruns are on at 7:00 pm and his beddy-bye time is 8:00 pm sharp.  In the meantime, you can also donate to the "Look everyone! I'm a frying pan! statue fund or donate eggs and bacon, (pemeal would be most appreciated) for Rusty's funny swell-time humour skits. We're all rooting for you Rusty! Save us some beef jerky and a seat by the hi-def TV!

*Updated Jan 15th, 2011

- Well it seems there's been a twist to our story of dear ol' Rusty. A Mr Ted Williams, a recent American overnight celebrity that has taken the nation by storm is going to make next years "Cowtard of the Year" competition very interesting, and certainly will give our Rusty a run for his macaroni. Upon hearing that Cow-Town radio stations are in dire need of velvety voiced dj's, Ted has decided to relocate there to pursue employment. There are also rumours that Mr Williams has taken a keen  interest in quite possibly taking the position of announcer for the yearly chuckwagon races.  We will be on this piece and keep everyone informed as the story developes. For those not in the know, more information and some background on Mr Ted Williams can be found HERE.

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