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utorak, 19. srpnja 2011.

2011 Calgary Stampede- The Greatest & Queerest Show On Earth!

Besides eating buckets o' bacon, and beef jerky eatin', digging for gold is Calgary's 3rd most popular pastime.

Well, there's a first for everything. Some people around here got bee's in their bonnets and bloomers in a knot because my blog hasn't mentioned anything about the Calgary Stampede that's taking place right about now.  Now, this is a personal and information type blog that is related to all things Croatian, (Surprisingly a lot of peeps don't even know where it is around here, let alone what goes on there)...but just to make people happy. (I like to make people happy, it's what I do) I decided to give in and do a short addition about it.  I'm kind of really busy so I'm just quickly touching upon it mostly with images courtesy of Enjoy. (If the viewer finds some of the images disturbing or upsetting, you'll have to take it up with the people who posed for them or uploaded them to the internets-land.  I also updated this post with a few images from the 2012 Calgary Rodeo Olympics)

Prince William and Kate Middleton arrived in Calgary to help kick-off the thrills and festivities.  They reportedly had the most fun in ages and practically had to be physically escorted and forced back onto the plane for their next stop of boring California events..

Plenty of good eats to be found. (Just watch out for those backdoor trots)

It was all beer and skittles for a time as some bad medicines with dead horses made things a bit air'ish, but the show must go on.

At the 42 second mark according to this videography, you can see Chad really take a tumble, Whoa! did you see his 10 gallon go flyin' in the wind and almost git run over by a horse during that spill tell ya what.!? (It almost went and done hit that pile o' buttered fried steakettes, sugared plum sauce sweet dough tarts and those dagnabit tasty buttered bacon parsnips with the creamcorn sauce)

What the....Texas!? Texas don't sound Cowtown to me. Why on earth would anyone wanna go to Texas? You better skidadle on there missy, you're in the wrong blog....Git on back to yer so-called Texas. Next.......

Trevor the horse got a nasty headache during one stretch, but the rambunctious critter got right back up and helped sell more donutburgers and hot yellow kool-aid even. That away Trevor.

Nuthin like seeing the cowdoggies havin a bit o' fun in a game of tug o' war before gettin' back to the real excitement. Cow stranglin' is what the Betty's and Hoss's all came for after all.

The festivities were the talk of the town for the downtown buisness studs and especially the studettes. Here the studettes are discussing whether to go Levis or Wranglers, and which hotel to book for the "Lemon Party".

All the shoot across the street at downtowns other benzinery and bed ground, these boys and fellerettes were marvelin' at all the Angelica's, talkin about who may be picked in the 8th round NHL draft and who's the quickest jock sniffer. The anti-fogmatics were makin. things real busy for the local box herder.

This here is a picture-photogram of some politicians specimens at the Stompede from a few years ago. We ain't sure who they are, but they won an award for being most western cowboy looking politicians. Politicians since then have been trying all sorts of emulations to look as keen as these two cowfolk, cuz it means lotsa western votes and being in the newspapers. Like I is said, we don't know who they are, but we had to put the photogram here because...goshdarnit, they is really western cowboy lookin' politicians I'll tell ya what, and that's the main thing.

Members of Canada's Elite Rangers forces (aka Calgary Jerky-Homo Brigade) came down to wow the folks and folkettes with their prowess and capabilitiocities. Luckily for the terrorists they didn't come down to get an elite whoopin' from the cow yard to the cricket pizza slice hut, they stayed home probly singin' their wierdo songs cuz they knew what was good for 'em.  No chance of ethnically cleansing the chilli-cheese nachos or taliban chenanigans 'roun here on this day I'll tell ya what. (Their identities are protected because they just came back from beatin' up and capturin' some stale choco-walnut cookie dough muffins that looked suspiciously short changed on the cream topping and Serb mafia's types with them pansy Euro-Interpole types, they also go on secret missions savin' the worlds gas, oil, chilly-cheese fries, chocolate eclairs you better head for the hills when see them comin' yer way if you know whats good fer you. Unless you wanna git strangled by a licorice stick from Cowtown's 195,283rd largest scaredy cat faggot-ass specimen)

Next years cow extravaganza is in for special excitementocities, them Serb specimen folks is gonna set up their t-shirt and knife booth on the parquettes. Don't miss out on the trumpet wowzerama or you'll be the new fool pardner. More picture photograms of what to see and do Here

Cowboy Bin-Laden came down for the foods and fun and try out the new "Mohammed-Tilt n' Whirl" amusement ride.

For some strange reason, Inez's famous genuine cowboy brothel wasn't raking in the peso's during the big hoedown. Inez and her Angelicas is used to that though, it's been that way since the Mormons, Baptists and other kinds of folks with strange sounding names came to the area in 1937. (As well as the increase in the population of local cowdoggies and bullsnappers.)

Although down across the way, Billy-Bob McGee was rakin' in the enchiladas like it was goin' outta style.

There's no mechanical bulls or cowgirls in any of the Calgary bars or clubs, but rest assured, if they did they would look like these ones in Texas.

Feelin' the heat in them lower hehind rump quarters. A common Cowtown specimen sign that, well, you know.

Cowboy hats were found in all shapes, sizes and colors, with chin strap or without.

The tickets for the kissing booth were sold out 7 months in advance. Here Ted the kissing booth cowboy and Jerry the bandit also won the very popular 37th annual "24 hr Kiss-a-thon".  In the process raising over 200 buckaroonies towards a new  jukebox at the watering-hole where the fellers like to go and wet each others whistles. (Special tip o' the hat to Carl and Reggie who won the Dance-a-thon competition. You done good)

Babes, babes and more Calamity Janes (with good eats even). Here this years Stampede "Miss Congeniality" is having a blast and best time of her life on the Stampede banguettes. The belly cheaters were working overtime and as can be seen by the smile on this gals face, the foods and fun were more exciting than a rooster stuck in a catch lot. It doesn't much get better than a large saucy and juicy squab leg in one hand and hearing "Step right up! Step right up! Fresh saucy and juicy squab legs straight off the grill!!! on the speaker. MMMM, pass the prtarmican sauce! (Did I mention there was nachos and mom jeans for men too? The funs were neverending tellya what!)

The excitement and knee slappin' funs brought back fond memories from last year's bonanzawowsa, that was when the worlds most famous Buddhist cowboy came into town on his chuckwagon to open the hog killin' good times and excitementocities. He could hardly wait to check out that new Tilt-a-whirl ride he'd heard about and touch a horse vagina.

I do, I say, I do believe we got ourselves a winner!  Tip o' the hat to the best new fool. Hey lady, don't you know it's impolite to point at other specimens? Were you raised in a barn for hollerin' Jehosaphats sakes?

The newest and a very popular Stampede event these days is the one handed Equus ferus caballus chug-a-thon contest.  (That's horse for all yuz unsophisticated dungaree jammer types) This ones especially all the rage with all the Hoss's and Billy-Bobette's.  The lucky winner below got himself an all day pass on the carousel and a free 5 lb plate of ptarmican wings. (Extra ptarmican chilli hoochie-koochie sauce). Mmmmm, this specimen sure done good and made mammy an pappy gush with pride tell ya what. Make sure to wipe that mouth there pardner after those ptrarmican wings. (I never much understood or hung around many Cowtownian fellers needless to say)

The funs and wows were aplenty, tell ya what. A picture-photogram of the local Cowtown greeting sends all the girls hearts aflutterin'.  (It also happens to be the local mating call, which usually can be seen aplenty during the hot sun 'n sand beach rodeo fairs). Take a number girls, there's plenty to go around. Save us a seat at the mall food court. See a pic of the cat with the funny hat he brought to the festivities with him here. (Between January 12th and June 18th, 6 out of 10 male specimens in Cowtown look exactly like this feller below)

Updated from the 2013 Cowbonanzarama: Another oopsy had been done as some cowdoggie forgot to do his neck stretches before the hoe-down and had to go to the big pasture in the sky, luckily though no gravied potoato wedges or sugared plum fritters got hurt, and that's the main thing. Full gravied potato story exposé:

Looks like somebody had a tummy ache because they liked the donutburgers a little too much. (Better take it easy next time there feller, there's plenty to go around. No need to get all greedy an all that)

The Prime Minister of Canada, who's a local boy, was dubbed honorary Chief Speaker. Calgary's other famous local boy, Sparky, couldn't make it.  He was in his parents basement working on his magnificent creations which have already become popular with the locals..."Jesus-penis popsicles"  Giddyap Sparky!

Future American Presidential hopeful Rick Perry, who's also a genuine real good ol' cowboy from the great Lone Star State of Texas, had these kind words to say to his comerades north of the border concerning this years Stampede festivities.

Newly elected Mayor Naheed Nenshi ( far right) was the biggest toad in the puddle this day along with 2 of Calgary's other 17 Mayors. He took time from working on his dungeon tan and line dancing lessons to join his amigos for some knee slappin' rip roaring good times and opened the magnificent new Calgary Greenway that is home to countless pecker poles. I don't know who took or made this pic, but those is some fine upstanding Hoss hats and that's the main thing tell ya what.

An oopsy was done and been happened when 3 horses ended up goin' to the big stable in the sky during a big chuckwagon race, but the main thing is the snack huts did sell all the nachos an cheese that day they had on hand.

This is the fucking lardass mother's skirt clutching wuss fagoboy, (A real ol' genuine Calgary faggot flamer or Calgary flaming faggois like the French say). I mean cowboy feller who went an done killed them 3 horses in the above chuckwagon picture-photogram all fer nuthin', but like I said, no donutburgers, kegs of beer, pancakes or chewy tobacco got hurt, that's the main thing. (Somebody get a gun and put'em out of his misery already, or at least get 'em a hanky)  Seriously though,  No need to worry though folks, a whole bunch of Miss Congeniality's from the parkettes treated him to some ice-cream and chilli-cheese fries and that made his tummy feel all better.  That's the main thing. After he got home and suckled his mammy's teat for a spell, he then had some blueberry sauced apple fried butter-bacon tart crepes with ice cream, so it all worked out swell in the end. This below picture photogram was taken after he found out they was outta peanuts for his double-decker banana split ice cream. (Between June 19th and September 2nd, 7.5 out of 8.5 male specimens in Cowtown look exactly like Chad)

A typical Cowtown specimem in all the glory that's for sure.

A common scene at pretty well every public squatter room in Cowtown, it's the price to pay for them finest morsels of buttered bacon chocolate tarts and beef jerkied pork pototoes. At Stampede time it happens the most times per capita than the rest of the year. Here some folks and folkettes went an done one helluva award winning oopsy in the squatters quarters though, but ye can't blame the poor critters, those were some mighty fine morsels of grub n' biscuits to be had, they just have to lay off the extra-spicy ptarmican sauce and aim better next time tellya what.

The local fashion emporiums and duds racks got lotsa of brisk sales all thanks to Stampede week festivities. It was hard even keeping up with the hats all week long an the belt buckles were all gone in 2 shakes of a cowdoggies tail tellya what.

What in the... ? Hey, this is another of some sorta Texas

One of the top selling tee's in Cowtown all year 'round. (I found it strange, but whatever gets the cowdoggies sucklin' their mammies teet after grub at the meatbox I guess)

There's been talk of having school kids as part of the rodeo festivities, except it probably wont go ahead. Those school kids is just way too slippery and good at zig-zagging.

Plenty of authentic cowboy music and authentic cowboy dancin' was tearin up Jake. No room for barber's cats at this Bill show. But you had to cut dirt to get a good seat though. It's your sorry luck if you couldn't make it for this one helluva hog-killin' time, you'll unfortunately have to go the pay per bird's eye view route to watch this shoe shuffin' extravawowzaganza.

That's them hots hoedown dancins'.

Them Serbs were tearin' up jake too, singin' those cowboy songs that send yer heart a flutter wishin' you was a Serbian cowboy.

American film director Robert Rodriguez has never been to that them there Greatest Clusterfuck, er..I mean Stompede on Earth, but he said he heard 'bout it way back when he was knee high to a toads grandmas panties. He said he may take a gander at it sometime in person to do a documentary movie-film 'bout those blueberry sauced apple fried butter-bacon tarts and that them there famous Charlie the Rooster, more about Charlie the Rooster below.

Heart stopping cowboy action at Calgary Stampede Headquarters. No need to buy canned cow this day that's for sure. Lookit em go that rascal moomilk maker!

These hot Japanese women didn't show up for the Stampede gig, but it was on their mind during the whole time though. Honest it was.

The girls from Afghanistan Playboy came down to make all the fellers blush and set their heart a pumpin' like a 100 proof tabasco sauce. The cowboys were left feelin' a little long in the caboose when they refused to take part in the kissin' booth festivities though.

Mayor Nenshi showed up again in 2012, this time with a horse billboard to make sure people knew he was the mayor and it was his horse.  He is got the waving down pat this time thank goodness, thanks to them there professional hand waving classes he took from former Miss Cowtown. (It's all in the wrist..left...right...left...right.. in a circular motion....). That's some swell lookin' fancy pantalones, duds and doo-hickeys he wore this year. (The horse he was drivin' unfortunately got all tuckered out and died after this photogram was taken, but the show continued on and even more waffles and cricket pizza slices than last year were sold, that's the main thing)

Charlie the Rooster in his choke strap made an appearance downtown to wow the folks and folkettes and was pulling in the pieces tellya what. Even barrel boarders had a swell time eatin' them good grubs and whistling dixie on them parquettes.

The first person to greet the visitors starting right from the Calgary airport was the amazin'  "Jet Cow". Nuthin' like 'Jet Cow' to put one in a rodeo and cow-stranglin' mood. (Jet Cow is not real btw folks, it's just one of those modern day representational pictogramic hallucinational plasticity cows meant to fool ya into thinkin' it's a real moo-milk critter)

Harry the horse showed up to make sure the folks and folkettes wiped their chins after that dagnabit messy ptarmican sauce, gotta look presentable after all. "Hey, where's your napkin Pardner!?"

Harry the horse was never too busy to pose for a picture-photogram with one of his many fanaroonies. When he pulls out that dinner bell, then you know the good eats at the trough are just 2 wiggles of a horses ear away. Here he's just about to sit down and enjoy some delishfull grub with "2012 Best Photocopy Room Boy/Diddler of the Year Award" winner,  Jim W, from the Holy Fiery Bush of  Jesus Pentecostal Church & Beef Jerky Emporium in Chinatown. Good job Jim, I think ya fooled 'em. (Good thing Harry the horse helped him wipe his chin before the picture-photo was taken)

Another look at the most popular and arousing amusement ride during the Stampede, it's all in the elbow and about makin' the cow feel!....

Folks were stocking up on propane for all the after Stampede festivities bbq festivities before the official Stampede bbq festivities and bbq related excitementocities.

 Have you ever seen a horse made of tractor and pick up truck parts where you live? Not bloody likely. (Nije krvavo vjerojatno). Always a piece of pudding. The inspiration for this beauty was based on the hugely popular 1970's "Six Million Dollar Man" series spinoff " The Adventures of Cyborg-Horse."

A view of Cyborg-Horse to the rescue from the episode
" Ma & Pa Kettle and the shady farmhand."

Former contestants of "The Biggest Loser" competition came down to sign autographs and partake of the beef jerky eating competition.

Some Serb Chetniks are coming down for the rodeo festivities, bringing their own down home version of yummy good eats, the newly named "Jerked Cow Testicles Gumbo"

Some Serbians from Mitrovica plan on bringin their own local brand of cow stranglin' good times, as you can see they like cowdoggie rastlin' too, it's just they use Albanians and Non-Serbs instead of cowdoggies. Great technique there pardner. They'll fit right in with the Calgary Stampeders football fan's.

This here feller may have photogrammed electronic music artist "Moby" who may or may not have visited one of the local Tim Hortons coffee shop emporiums and may or may not be scoping for chicks or boys or toothless grannies  Either way, no place for between hay and grass there Moby-man, buttered or non-buttered muffin.

All the local convenience stores made sure to stock up on the many, many flavours of beef jerky, Reeses Pieces, and Colas of all sorts and varietocities. It seems this little chikadee made a faux pas of sorts and forgot to wear her cowboy hat. Don't let it happen again missy. For some reason, she really doesn't like Mexicans though. Lighten up there missy, they is only just Mexicans afterall. Robert Rodriguez is Mexican and he don't wanna fuck you. (Maybe ask Freddie Blassie in the lumberjacket). Note - Me putting this video here in no way implies I want you to go and fuck or not fuck Mexicans on their birthday btw.

...Anyway, let's hurry it up, those cricket pizza slices ain't gonna eat themselves before sundown y'know........

Like I said, there's no cowgirls or mechanical bulls in Cowtown, but if there was, they would look alot like these ones in Texas probably.

Above all, Safety First!  The "Lost Kids" booth was never far away. (Conveniently located just around the corner from the beer and benzinery booth where one can go to bend an elbow with the folks and folkettes or for just airin yer lungs with yer fellow specimens. Easy on the head Gus, or vice versa!)

Them Serbs is lookin' forward to all the talked about good tasting hooch, nuthin' better than a tummy full of warm hooch and twinkies for that pre-cowdoggie rastlin'. 

A closer look at the good eats. Never too late for some afterclaps for the biscuit rollers. Don't forget the extra cow grease. Yum!

Cricket pizza's been a real big new seller, those crunchy critters if you think real hard while chowin taste almost like bacon tellya what. Your pie-hole won't tell the difference 'xcept later after doin yer business in the squatterbooth the bacon bits will be critter bits instead. 

The Royals were full of praise and gratitude before continuing their trip to the U.S. The royals were overheard that they wished they never, ever, ever had to leave. The unidentified lady pictured below was all agush when the royals complimented her hat and said she looked like a fine upstanding Conservative librarian or sexy carwash girl.

It wasn't long before the peeps and fellerettes were already waitin' in line to get their free tix for next years bonanzarama. Had to cut dirt though cuz they go fast. Only the early ptarmican gets the donutburger afterall. ...No need to push'n'shove there lady, Lotsa extra burgs are bein' flown in from Red Deer, Beaver Butt and Elks Caboose Landing.

Great news as the the official Calgary Stampede Cowboy video has been a hit with all the local cowboy folk. All copies were snapped up from store shelves in less than 2 shakes of a horny piglets tail. (That means "in a jiffy", for all you non-cowboy people out there). Now everyone can be a visitor to the rodeo, even if you ain't there in person. Yip! Yip! Yeeehaaaaw!

Probably the best news of all for all local folks and folkettes is that next years comedians will be none other than  Joao Joao Popsick and "Prime Time Joao", you don't wanna miss those humourocities I'll tellya what. They're already getting fitted for their cowboy hats. Git yer lip gloss ready gals and remember to bring condoms, or just do it au naturel.

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