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nedjelja, 7. srpnja 2013.

67th Anniversary Of The Bikini (Warning: Explicit Bikini Content)

This one is a bit late, but better late than never as the saying goes. (Besides, this gives me a chance to spend some quality time on the internet and avoid the boring and creepy Sunday morning television programming and all the toupee wearing, miracle water selling carnival acts)  Anyway, I could have made this a totally Croatia related post, but decided to just keep it simple. Basically the video footage from the Croatian portal and some additions of my own and some classic bikini moments from the big screen.

For those not in the know, July 5th was the "67th Anniversary of the Bikini." (I posted about the 66th anniversary of the bikini which you can check out HERE. It's got some interesting facts and old photos from Croatia)  I did that post last year in Calgary, which is the most unbikini place I had ever been to and experienced. They don't even sell them in any stores, some people there don't even know what it is and consider the word ethnic or some kind of sausage or salami.  I thought that for sure come the weekend after the work week was over I would bump into at least a Sherri Moon Zombie type cowboy hat and boot wearing cowgirl once in blue moon in the bar n' grills. (see pic below)  But nope, holy sheepshit tarnations jesus h christ almighty jumpin' jehosaphats dagnabit I'll yell ya what.  Instead it was wannabee cowboys, inbred weirdo stooges who have never left the city of Calgary or Alberta in their life just spending time sitting in their trucks in parking lots stuffing things down their cakehole, grubby little Portuguese fuckos following me around everywhere starting bullshit rumours and pointless drama/hijinx, (they could have Brazilian though because a lot of them look the same and root for each others team or wear their soccer jerseys alternately), bar n' grills full of just giggly men with mustard stains on their collars and afraid to walk outside in the evening or to the corner store, or sitting around watching the same sports show on 8 tv's saying "Lookit that tackle, did you see that wrist shot, did you see that curve ball"?  I never saw so many gluttons and instances of gluttony in my life. You know how many women, or even just people, I saw wearing cowboy hats in any of the bars or pubs. A big fat 0. Any people wearing cowboy hats anywhere in general?.....0!

You know how many of the bars or any of the places to drink at had those mechanical bulls, those mechanical bulls that should rightfully be there if you consider yourself a "cowtown" and go around claiming it's cowboy country? (Those mechanical bull rides you see everywhere down in Texas etc, Robert Rodriguez and Clint Eastwood types were instead Wonderbread eating guys who just wear a cowboy hat once in a while only when thousands of summer tourists arrive who also just happen to be wearing cowboy hats because they bought them as souvenirs. Then it's "whoo-hooo! look at me everyone I'm a cowboy, hey tourist you want your picture taken with a real life genuine cowboy?" Hey look there's Mayor Nenshi and his genuine belt buckle on a horse waving his cowboy hat! Yeeeehaaaw! Giddyap!). Take a guess. A big fat 0 again. (People there hardly even listen to or like Nickelback actually and they were Alberta's biggest promoter in the whole wide world at the time, actually huge everywhere in the world...except Alberta. Now that's weird, most of the rock/alternative types or music listeners actually preferred Theory of a Deadman they said. (I like Theory of a Deadman too but they're from British Columbia, and Albertans hate B.C.-ers with a passion and vice versa, (Calgarians also hate Edmontonians and they regularly get in heated fisticuffs at CFL games about who the real Albertans are, and they both also can't stand the Regina Roughriders fans and vice versa), it's an eternal hatred. In sports teams they hate each other with a passion so much that while I was in Alberta there were plenty of news stories about Calgary sport team fans being beat up in Vancouver while out on the town wearing Calgary sports the land of Theory of a Deadman, now that's weird and ironic too I'd say, on top of that Calgary is the homegrown terrorism capital of Canada which adds to the irony). I asked a bunch of people at the Starbucks shops I used to go to also, because "Cowtown" is also overwhelmingly Starbucks coffee shops and Starbucks country and only a few Tim Hortons where mainly just the Walmart people hang out and groups of old people speaking different languages, usually near some church, mosque or retirement home, at night it's mainly groups of Middle Eastern men talking their languages and again no cowgirls or even females in the vicinity...yeehaw. (It's actually probably around 30 Starbucks coffee shops to every 1 Tim Horton's in Calgary, seriously. You see, those bullshit Tim Hortons commercials on TV are exactly just that...actors, scripts, special lighting, make up and...bullshit, just like the Canadian Tire stores are hangouts for gay married men looking for lemon parties, a lot of people don't know that, which is why I'm always quickly in and out whenever I need a tool, batteries, a coffee maker or a cord of some sort, I'm not a Canadian Tire store hanger arounder type at all), and lots of those people didn't even know who the heck Nickelback and Theory of a Deadman were either, that's beyond absurd. (I didn't bother asking if they liked or heard the latest Killers or Thirty Seconds To Mars album). Just like how nobody there skis either, I skied but hardly anyone else I talked too had even put on a pair of skis ever, but the mountains and slopes are just right there, literally right there as in you can throw a beef jerky stick and A&W burger at them they're so close. (A&W stores are everywhere just like the Starbucks). Pfff...No cowgirls, no mechanical bulls, no Nickelback and no skiers, what the fuck is that bullshit and absurdity all about? How western ski and cowtown is that? It's really just all a wannabee cowboy poser joke mirage and big fat hairy ass con, like those bullshit billboards and advertisement posters with everyone laughing, smiling, hanging around in groups hugging each other. Pfff, what a joke. A bizarro-world if there ever was one. (I should have gone to California instead because even there they have actual real western mechanical bull bars, lots of them, and cowgirls, way better western food and way more people who actually ski too, lots more.. KTLA news in Los Angeles actually even does regular daily live on-air and on the scene ski reports and stories from the local ski slopes during the winter months. That's right, Los Angeles television news does daily news live ski reporting from the slopes but Calgary doesn't, they're actually helping people to know what's going on, how to get there and encouraging viewers to ski the slopes and not just sit around eating beef jerky and those popular Bucket O' Bacon specials in the bars, it's just more irony) Which reminds me, why the hell should I or anyone watch any of the local Hollywood celeb gossip shows or Hollywood entertainment "celeb news scoops" or "Hollywood gossip scoops" programs or segments either, they never do Canadian celebs ever but somewhow they have the "inside scoop" on Hollywood and their celebs? Pfff, don't make me laugh. They're just sitting in some television studio near Yonge St. in Toronto or some other local studio and they're nowhere near where the scoops are happening or privy to the scoops, just do the Canadian celeb gossip news scoops already because you're in Canada. If I or anyone want the most up to date Hollywood news gossip scoops about some gossip that may or may have not happened, even straight from the horses mouth, then I just flip the channel back to KTLA for the real latest celeb news scoops in real-time, not the fake gossip news scoopers in Canada pretending to have the authentic inside scoop on Hollywood happenings. (That's why the local ethnic television stations and programs, Indian programs for example, they cover all the Bollywood news scoops and happenings which makes sense because they're Indian and not pretending to be in Hollywood, they're Indian so Bollywood news scoops makes sense, but in Canada they just do Hollywood celeb scoops but they're not even in or from Hollywood and they're not even Canadian, it's America, on top of that they do stupid stories like about what's going on with Richard Simmons these days, Pffff, of all things to celeb scoop about). Besides, KTLA also has way better helicopter aerial view live police chases too, the backyards and car chases are just way better, and their cops mean business and don't fuck around when it comes to making justice prevail. "We'll be right back with the latest Hollywood celeb news scoops after these Canadian Tire and Tim Horton's commercials".

My 2nd time at one of those sports bar 'n grills, (it's all sports bar 'n grills there, it's actually the same bar n' grill just in different locations, same decorations and building layout with the same furniture, tables, chairs, mirror behind the bar, all the liquor bottles in the exact same order and pyramid design, same tiles on the floor and same gumball machines, but just with different names on the signs out front..."Joe's Sports Bar n' Grill", "Pat's Bar n' Grill", "Jim's Sports Bar n' Grill" etc..etc...etc...enter name here)...some vagrant humanoid stole my to pizza when I went to the bar to pay for my last call beer. Talk about reach for the stars. (Enjoy your summer cowshit party fuckos).  I recommend to people to do the same when there, but sprinkle lots of Naga Bhut Jolokia pepper flakes on the pizza first, and I mean lots of flakes. When you get the piping hot pizza (after sprinkling lots of the pepper flakes first of course) put it on the table right in front of those types, so the smell lingers over to them, then ask them "Excuse me, it's my first time here, I'm from Ontario, can you tell me where the washrooms are? I had too much beef jerky for dinner so I'll probably be in there for quite a while, 20 minutes at least," While you're in the washroom .....(Hey, check it out Bill, some Ontario boy went an done an went to the washroom an left his pizza on the table, let's get it an eat it in the cab on the way home so Terrance an Molly don't get any, hyuk-hyuk-hyuk, we're eatin fancy tonight stupid Mr Ontario Diesel Guess jeans dumbass fancy cologne outta-towner, here eat yer slices quick we're almost home!) Around there, if it's not one thing or group/clique/mentality then it's another. The skinny guy, longhaired guy, tattooed guy, the rocker type, the non-rocker alternative music type, the book reader, the smarty pants, the non-suit wearer, the suit wearer, oh Mr. Shades, the Euro-type guy, Mr Adidas or Doc Martins type guy, bla bla bla always something or someone looking to overcompensate their fucktarded existence to make them feel wise and smart. Some Serb Radovan Karadzic fans who kept following me around because of my Croatian tattoo. I have so many stories I should write a book.  That's why during my 3 year stay there I had to take my most recent trip to Croatia for some piece of mind, reality and relaxation, normality and live life. Wash cowtown germs off of my body in the Adriatic...shivers.

Proof that bikinis and cowboy attire can and should go together.

Anyway, I'm not going to even put Croatian beach/bikini footage. Although I could have really gone with this one by adding the topic of failed bikinis, it would have been hilarious. Some of the stuff I came across would make you lose your lunch. I did however decide to throw in some videos, which by comparison will make you much more grateful for and gain a greater appreciation for the included bikini footage. So anyway on that note, below some bikini moments from over the years.

Related previous posts: on-location-in-croatia-for-2012-miss-tuning





Some bikini history and facts.

Bikini moments à la Brigitte Bardot.

Mamie Van Doren in the cheesy but entertaining and classic "Voyage to the Planet of Prehistoric Women" wearing sort of a bikini.

An interlude to prevent bikini overload.

Raquel Welch and her prehistoric bikini from "One Million Years B.C."

Footage from a previous post for the Miss Tuning Kalendar photoshoot in Croatia. As one can see, Croatia is a very bikini friendly country as well.

I didn't watch this film, but it's got bikinis in it and that's the main thing.

Another interlude, feel free to take a pause and return here when you feel the need.

Plenty of bikini commercials over the years.

An updated pic of the new Croatian President, Kolinda Grabar-Kitarović. Besides doing Presidential duties, it's good to know she understands the importance of proper beach attire.

This fail bikini pic is scary and just plain wrong, you will see similar images around here especially at the coffee shops, but this behaviour should not extend to bikinis. (Please lady, there are people eating nearby and children playing, think of the children for gosh sakes, this is not an example for future bikini model wannabes to aspire too) If there's any positive thing to add about this spectacle, this photo was not taken in Croatia.

Tips for buying a bikini.

Just one more bikini fail pic but that's it.

Women surfing without bikinis?...that would be just plain wrong.

What's a bikini related post without a video from popular Croatian surf band "The Bambi Molestors"?, who's music is also featured in the award-winning series "Breaking Bad" (Pass me the suntan lotion!)

There was just way too many of these surf related ones, had to throw in another one.

....And another one.

Just some very short semi-bikini footage here, but it's Catherine Zeta-Jones, 'nuff said. (I don't pick the music in these things btw)

The Satanic evils of cartoon bikinis, yep...cartoon bikinis show cartoon skin which means cartoon bikini evilness. (Stop looking and listening to those devil sex talking cartoon bikinis already, do you want to go to hell?!)

She's not wearing a bikini here, but a bikini would most definitely not be out of place or strange. Image

A cool and different bikini photoshoot I came across after originally doing this post. Full post Here.

This one from a previous post HERE is a good one too.

The song title says it all, they're the bikini Anti-Christs to K. D. Lang's Constant Cravings.

Believe it or not, some men who live at home well past their teen years like to wear bikinis according to statistics. Although in this case I'm not sure if it's a bikini bottom or a diaper.

Who can forget all those bikini scenes from that box-office blockbuster thriller/romance/action/drama movie "Sharktopuss." (How it didn't win an Oscar is beyond me, I'm still looking forward to the sequel)

From the film "Jaws", maybe if she would have taken the time to put on a bikini, then the guy would have caught her. Putting on a bikini could have saved her life. (Alternate soundtrack)

C'mon, it's Vampirella. (pfff, a no-brainer)

Perhaps one of the best bikini-ish movie intro scenes of all time. (You may also want to check out the trailer for "Machete Kills Again", it has space bikinis and he gets the space babes)

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