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Monday, 20 October 2014

Borna Rendulic First Homegrown Croat To Sign NHL Contract, Scores First AHL Goal

Lake Erie Monsters wing Andrew Agozzino congratulates teammate Borna Rendulic on a goal against Grand Rapids in last Saturday's home opener at Quicken Loans Arena. (Joshua Gunter / The Plain Dealer) Image:

A fair amount of recent success in the international sports world scene for Croatian athletes, but I decided to instead touch upon this less well known one, particularly because I used to play organized hockey. Probably hardly anyone has even heard about the name of Borna Rendulic, but I previously blogged that I would update this story as it develops, maybe even also so people down the road will know that he's Croatian background and not mistaken for Czech, Polish, Slovak, German, Lithuanian, Russian or Ukrainian. (Probably many don't even know that we have played hockey in Croatia for quite some time, see links at bottom) In a nutshell, Borna Rendulic back in May became the first "homegrown Croat" who is a product of the Croatian hockey system, to officially sign a contract with an NHL team. This is a historic first, as up to now the players of Croatian descent who have played in the NHL were born and raised in North America. I wrote at that original post HERE, that he will most likely at first spend some time on the Colorado Avalanche farm team, to get accustomed to the new smaller rink sizes, new coaching and playing systems etc, and that was precisely the case. However, another step towards his first NHL goal was accomplished the other day when he scored his first official goal for Colorado's farm team, the Lake Erie Monsters, during their home opener.

So anyway, I quickly updated that original post, then thought that it's another story worth quickly throwing in here as a post. You can read the original post for all the background information, some more related Croatian hockey posts at the bottom. I'm also going to quickly throw in some other information. A sort of "Top 10 List". (A few days ago I decided to discontinue studies at the local ghetto college after one month because it's full of ghetto-shitfucks and other valid reasons, I don't really care about all the latest fruit launcher, homo, painolympics and goatsgirl talk going on all the time, fruit launcher homo this and goatsgirls olympics that and blah blah blah, let's just say that school shootings/stabbings don't surprise me in the least and should probably be encouraged)

So since I have the time now, and just in case Borna comes across and reads this, below is a in no particular order list of tips regarding his rookie AHL season in Cleveland, tips which just may come in handy during the season.....

A rookie season in the AHL requires more tips than just when to dump the puck. More background info at a previous post HERE.

(List is no particular order)

1- Don't bother going to the downtown clubs or bars, it's a waste of time and you'll only find everything you don't want or need. Don't bother with places called "Bar 'n' Grill" either, you know...Jim's Sports Bar 'n' Grill, Pam's Bar 'n' Grill, Al's Bar 'n' Grill, [enter name here]'s Bar n' Grill, etc. Trust me, I know what I'm talking about. Get yourself a good hairstylist, it's hard to find a good hairstylist that really knows their stuff, is familiar with the various styles and whats coming out of the various European hair design schools, don't get talked into getting something that involves buzzing designs into the side of your head. (example)

2- Don't waste your time with any of the local hanging around the rink groupies. It's really not worth the headaches and chance of getting some bugs crawling around in your jock strap or bed sheets down the road. (I used to play organized hockey when I was younger and know what I'm talking about, one guy went the extra step and got his dick wet with one, she also hung around local shitty bar and taverns where construction workers hang out, and she gave him a severe case of genital warts and then he had to pay child support for 18 years) Even if she's really hot and looks like a Vogue or Croatian Playboy model, take a pass and say you gotta go because you're late for a team meeting or have to pick up your dry cleaning. (You'll also avoid the chances of her coming back years down the road with a paternity suit, yet the kid doesn't look even remotely like you)

3- Go get yourself a "Raptor Jesus t-shirt". Yep, you read that right, you'll thank me. You can find them all over the internet, but if you go to there's a descent selection of colours, designs and sizes. (You can always of course get a Cro Cop or Stipe Miocic tee also, and a Red Bull tee wouldn't be a bad idea either, they have some cool sunglasses now) The tee's will come in handy, when you walk into a room the people will know right away not to fuck around and/or start fucko-games and shit, or if they do, at least you warned them. Nobody will try to hand you fucked up religious material or invite you to a faith healing crusade circus either. (Don't go even if they offer you a free prayer cloth, miracle spring water or refreshments and cookies) A similar bumper sticker or hat wouldn't be a bad idea either actually.

4- Don't ever, ever...EVER start a conversation in North America about anything that you may have seen or heard on the news that day. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY gives a fuck about ebola, global warming, earthquakes, various statistics, ISIS, ISIL, (or whatever they're going to call themselves next), about NATO, or in your case US troops, being sent to whichever shithole location. Not even the news anchors on television care or know much actually, they just mostly read the teleprompter. Nobody knows or cares about those places with strange mostly just consonant names, strange clothes, sand everywhere, about leaders of countries where a new war starts every 3 weeks and they spend all their time waving banners and unreadable homemade signs and posters of guys with beards, etc. Don't even start on politics there or about any political parties, even most of the people there won't know what the hell you're talking about. (The only time you should mention anything political is when a politician throws the first pitch at a baseball game or is in a blooper video)

5- Familiarize yourself with North American wrestling characters, very important. (Really, I'm not kidding, they are actually in better shape and more athletic than any baseball player ever was, and much more entertaining, there's also various Divas too, now those you should hook up with instead of the previously mentioned groupies) I especially recommend knowing a few names to drop here and there, mainly from the WWE and WCW since 1995, it will come in handy. I would recommend familiarizing yourself with Randy OrtonSting, EdgeChris Jericho, Triple HCM Punk and a few others, just Google around. You'll have your faves and the ones you'll hate in no time at all, you can even use some of their quotes during hockey interviews.

6- Don't talk to people you hardly know about any of the places you've been to and/or traveled to, especially Europe. Lot's of people have not left the 6 square blocks area where they live and just won't get it or understand what the hell you're talking about. They may consider it offensive or provocative. Don't mention about Špancirfest, Zagreb, Rujanfest, Split, Pula Film Festival, Dubrovnik etc, don't even dare tell them your personal "...the last time I was in..." stories, no mention of airports or "a funny thing happened to me the last time I was in Vienna, Finland, Italy or Germany" remarks, no matter how funny or interesting it really was. Instead get used to seeing lots of this. (Just because the Jerry Springer show isn't on television anymore, they're still out there all over the place. For some reason lots of people here like to upload their personal videos to in their spare time)

You will probably get hit on by a lot of queers here in North America, which a lot of the girls around here call them (which is coincidentally just one of the reasons I discontinued my college program, including a queer teacher),...but you ain't seen nothing yet until you get mall food court and Bar 'n' Grill queers licking their chops for you...."Hey Borny, I buttered my hairy arse, I'm scab free now and I didn't eat any corn or beefaroni with chili flakes today, can you slide it in later, I'll lick it clean right after". lol. It's a sickening pathetic situation where I'm sure one would prefer to eat razor blades or hammer nails into their eyes and ears. (There are lots of those types in my neighbourhood) Also, don't go to neighbourhoods with bingo halls or those fundamentalist/pentecostal cultish church type gatherings nearby, as they will both try to make you addicted to donuts. Make sure to delete those channels from your television memory that include 24 hour religious programming (examples), then continue deleting any other pointless drivel channels. (BET, E! Entertainent, OWN, CBN, C-SPAN, everything between 107 and 159 on DishNetwork etc)

My personal recent example that I already mentioned. (I wore an edgy black Marilyn Monroe t-shirt"that day, not a pink Richard Simmons polo top)

I naturally of course had to change my "college" account avatar and details. Always best to be creative when making a statement, otherwise what's the point?

7- Stay away from people who you just met and they start calling you "Bro", "Yo ma boy" , "Brother", or doing that "Waaasssssuuuuup Geee!" shit when they see you or just met you for the very first time. It's a very bad sign and tells you right off the bat that they have never drank a cappuccino or their closet consists of mostly 3 to 5 t-shirts or worse. (You'll probably find lots of those types at the aforementioned "Bar 'n' Grill" locations, some donut shops and lots of other places) Lots of those types will try to sell you crack, pills, used watches.."that look just like new" or give you a special deal on a tv in their van that even comes with the remote control. That's when you might decide to get even get a Do I Look Like a People Person? tee shirt as well, carrying around hand sanitizer would be highly recommended, you'll see what I mean. (Remember, you are not a politician out looking for as many votes as you can get, you are not there to give speeches and shake as many hands as you can, you are there to fill a niche on a hockey team) You may want to get a gun eventually. I recommend the HS2000 or a VHS rifle and make sure it's fully loaded and close by at all times. If you don't have it on your person and some stooge wants to start at some place, don't bother getting your clothes all soiled with snot and blood and getting teeth all tangled in your hair, just tell them "See you around", you can then come back down the road with plenty of ammo and pick off him and all his cockroach palaroonies some night, it's better that way.

8- Don't even go downtown unless your life depends on it, or you have official stuff to do and absolutely have to. You'll come across lots of things there you don't want or need, best to leave as soon as you're done errands. Same goes for Walmart and Dollar Stores. Lots of people go there to not even buy anything, they'll just walk around pushing shopping carts with just a pair of socks or bag of chips in them and then just leave them all over the place and not buy anything, or they just fuck around. To appreciate the experience I recommend going there on a very busy Saturday or during big huge sales before holidays. Never say "Excuse me...mam" or "Pardon me...sir" etc, leave out the gender references at all times in those and similar instances because many times you will be wrong...shaking your head in disgust and yet still wrong anyway. Strange but true. (There's also nothing pleasing about seeing some them bending over to get something from a lower shelf, underwear was invented for a reason) Some of them you'll find at those previously mentioned "Bar 'n' Grills" and they even take the carts with them many times. Sort of like a date to the Walmart or the Dollar Store, "Walmart dates", "Dollar store dates", "Frozen food or underwear department date", etc. (Remember, movies, commercials and posters are not reality)

9- When you order a pizza in North America always ask for bacon strips. Some places mix in those fake bacon bits if you don't tell them right from the start that you want real bacon strips, some places skimp on the sauce so ask for extra sauce too. Always ask whether the cheese on the poutine is real cheese curds as it should be or just shredded cheddar, canned gravy is not the real gravy sauce either. Get yourself a good thermal coffee mug, that's the only way people drink coffee here, you'll also mostly be using the drive-thru for coffee because those people I mentioned earlier are usually the only ones who sit inside, they come in handy though when you need to use the washroom. Try to find a place in the Croatian, Polish, German, Ukrainian or Italian part of town to get fresh bread and meats, the good pastries and sausages etc, but keep a frozen loaf of wonder bread type bread in the freezer just for in case of a nuclear detonation or rioting/terrorism. (The local Chinatown will be the best place for Chinese food obviously) Stay away from the Serb women, they'll come out of the woodwork and try to latch on now and tell you how blah blah blah and all that, just let them go down to the 7-11 or hang around the downtown cigarette butt picker-uppers to brag about how their pussies taste like honey-lemon tea or maple syrup etc. I'll leave the option of malls up to you, but rest assured, the malls and food courts are nothing like the ones in Croatia, You can go if you want but I warned you, lots of types go there just to start shit.  I'd also recommend just going to the liquor or beer store and have get togethers at home or someones place, that way nobody has to pay a cover charge, listen to shitty music, get patted down for weapons or have to slaughter some mouthy poser etc.

10- Just like in Croatia, if you decide to get a tattoo in North America, don't ever just walk in and pick one from the wall. Don't get a tattoo of any team you'll ever play for either, for obvious reasons, and don't get anything tribal because those were hugely popular only between March and August of 1998. (See my tattoo post for more tips) As for hockey tips, I'll just throw in one piece of advice. When on the ice and back checking, or any time at all actually, don't stick opposing players from behind in the nutsack with your stick. (see nhl-cock-sucker-milan-lucic post) Only sick pussy-homos do that, or a jebeni šašav mrcina. (I've come across lots of similar Serb pussy-shits and shitellas like that across this country over the years, they will also try to give you and get you to wear Vojeslav Seselj t-shrits and hats and you don't want that)  Save stuff like that for those late night alleyway brawls behind behind grubby taverns. (It could also be a mating ritual before mounting) What else?...Oh yeah, and don't go around telling people about Croatian things that should stay in Croatia, like spilling beans about personal things, secret homemade šljivovica, brudet, kobasice and palačinke recipes, and other stuff. When people ask where Croatia is, just tell them something like..."It's in Europe, along the Adriatic between Hungary and Italy, we have malls too and paved roads since 2005". That's as far as you need to go with that.

Related: borna-rendulic-becomes-first-homegrown-croat-nhl

Video courtesy of

Another nice goal scored after originally doing this post. 

After doing this post I got to thinking. This isn't all that important, but it is still something worth considering. For a number of years, plenty of European players have been coming to play in the NHL, and many times, especially at first, the players spelled their names on their jersey's according to how it's actually spelled in their language and alphabet, lots of Czech, Slovak, Swedish, Finnish, Lithuanian, Latvian, Norwegian, and other hockey players would have those diacritical marks and strokes added in the spelling of their names, even the French-Canadians sometime. The Croatian alphabet also has those extra marks for some letters. You still see it even these days once in a while, especially at the Olympics, World Championships etc (You see it in soccer, handball, volleyball, basketball and other sports quite often also) I think that over the years the people who sew the names onto the jerseys either.....A - always ran out of that little extra material or B- always ran out of thread to sew in those little pieces for those letters, marks which properly define the sound and look of the letter, or C- perhaps now there are league guidelines about which letters can and can not be used. Anyway, I'll leave it at that, it's not a big issue or major topic,, but don't be surprised if down the road people start calling Rendulić (pronounced correctly in Croatian as "Ren-dul-ich) instead as Rundelic and sounding more like "Run-del-ik". (If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, see for more information) The few examples below show what I'm talking about.

Croatian letters example on a handball jersey.

...and seen below on the Everton jersey of Nikita Jelavić who currently plays in the Premier League for Hull City. Some seasons/club jersey versions will include them and some don't.

Just a few other letter examples on hockey jerseys over the years.

You can't see any of their letters in this photo, but this is the famous Portuguese National Hockey Jersey. I have no idea why but the jersey is currently located and can be viewed at the Hockey Hall of Fame.


Croatian Ice Hockey Federation



















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